It was a grey day, not quite chilly enough for a jacket. She had chosen a thick cream colored knit. She had finally decided to buy after eyeing it on Net-a-Porter all summer.
As she sat at her desk, wrapped in warmth, her mind began to wander.
She felt confused. She had lived with an intense pressure her whole life. In fact, it had fueled her, motivated her and even allowed her to reach success. Yet, for some reason now, it seemed to be getting to her. Something in her life was shifting, and although she could feel it, she still didn’t know what it was.
Nothing was making any sense. Why did she feel this way? Everything in her life was good…one could even say great.
Inside it felt like something was off, something wasn’t quite aligned. She had a nagging feeling she needed something different in her life, but she had no idea what.
In truth, she didn’t NEED anything.
She had an amazing husband, two incredible kids and she was living her dream. Why was she feeling unsettled?
Molly stared at her computer. She was supposed to finish this proposal and get it over to her editor by the end of the day, today. She had a press meeting in the morning and book tours scheduled for the next two months.
At least this next one is in Italy, she thought to herself.
She drifted for a moment longer thinking about the fresh focaccia and cappuccino. She adored getting the foamy hot drink from La Dolce in one of her favorite small towns, Barberino Val d’Elsa.
What I would give for one of those famous glasses of Chianti and a side of fresh olives, she thought to herself. Maybe THAT is what is missing, she smiled.
Ahhhh the simple life, what is that? What does that look like for me?
She pushed back on her white Herman Miller Eames chair and stared out the window.
I don’t understand, she continued.
What has happened to my drive? Why am I not inspired? I have an amazing life, yet something doesn’t feel right. What is wrong with me? I have so much to be grateful for and I am..it’s just…
Right then her husband walked through the door, “Baby how are you doing? How is the proposal coming?”
She tried to smile, but it came out as a half smirk.
He immediately picked up on her energy.
“Baby, what’s wrong? I thought you were close to completing this today, is everything ok?”
She had what many women would consider the ‘perfect’ husband. He adored her, and her him.
That didn’t mean there weren’t times when they got on each other’s nerves or had major disagreements. Of course, they did…but, in the end, they just knew. It was something very palpable between them; other people felt it too. Molly always felt bad for people who had not found love the way she and Mark had.
Her eyes glazed over and her breath was soft.
Mark was staring at her as she let her mind run.
“Molly, are you ok? What is going on?”
Molly looked at him and sighed.
“Mark, I don’t know. I can’t quite figure it out. I have been feeling distant lately and I am not sure what it is. My work doesn’t inspire me like it used to, and I feel so much pressure every day. Sometimes all I want to do is stay at home in my silk pajamas and watch reruns of the Kardashians.”
“That’s got to be normal, babe. I mean, you have a lot going on and you have for over a decade. You have created an amazing life for me and the boys; I totally understand that you want to chill some days.”
She looked at his big, dark brown eyes. She had always loved that inside of those deep eyes there was a swirl of gold. Sometimes when he talked to her, she would stare at the gold. She wasn’t sure if she believed in past lives, but if she did, she would swear she knew him before.
Today she did not have the heart to tell him that her uninspired funk extended far beyond ‘just some days.’
She had been seriously considering a major shift in her career. She had no idea what it was, or why she was seeking it. She had reached incredible success. When she was honest with herself she wondered what was left for her? What was her next accomplishment? The things that used to fulfill her were not driving her anymore.
Something had changed, something else was calling her forward.
Finally, Molly broke her trance…
“Oh, I am sorry, Mark. I am ok, don’t worry, it is one of those days. I think I am feeling pressure about going to Italy and maybe I am working myself up.”
“Pressure to go to Italy? You can’t be serious? You love it there, Italy makes you feel so alive! You have said it yourself so many times. You are not excited for our focaccia and daily cap?” Mark looked at his beautiful wife with such tenderness and love.
“I know baby, I am…I still love Italy. It’s just that something about it feels different this time, I can’t figure it out. Don’t worry about me though, I will be ok. I need about one more hour with this proposal and then we can grab something to eat with the kids. What are you craving?”
Molly already felt drained and the thought of going out to dinner was so far from what she wanted. But she had not been with her boys all day and they were looking forward to it.
“Molly, the boys and I are fine; we don’t have to go if you are tired.”
Mark knew her so well and after 22 years of marriage and all they had been through, he could almost read her perfectly…almost.
“Look, I want to go. It will be good for me to get out.”
“Ok great. I’ll tell the boys to get ready. Good luck on the book proposal, you’ve got this!” Mark left her office, remembering to shut the door behind him.
Ugggghh, Molly felt her heart sink, she knew Mark didn’t mean it, but sometimes she felt so much pressure to perform.
Molly began to cry; she could not hold it in any longer. What was happening to her? Why did she feel so empty?
With her eyes closed, she gripped the handles of her designer chair and sighed.
God, please help me, guide me, show me what is mine…