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Today’s message is about beginnings.

Everyone has a beginning. Today, I’m sharing an extremely emotional piece of my beginning with you.

This message is for you if you have questions like:

Who am I?
What am I supposed to be doing?
Where am I supposed to be?

I want you to know that if you have these thoughts, YOU ARE VERY NORMAL.

It is normal to have self-doubt
It is normal to go through dark times and light is on the other side

If you've had these thoughts, there are beautiful things waiting for you!

Know that you are not alone!

 

My husband and I, with our two boys unloaded our storage unit in LA. The same storage unit we had put there when we first decided to leave LA and move to France.

I found something really, really precious. I have decided to share that special something with you. It is incredibly vulnerable. It is an actual piece straight out of my private journal, right after I lost my son.

So many of you might know, the overall story of me losing my son in 2002. But, what I haven't shared was the real depth of what I went through.

I never had to share with you like real thoughts from right after he passed away.

My intention in sharing this with you is that you have a level of self-compassion and you reconnect with your self-worth. It is easy to look at another woman and say,

“She doesn’t understand what I’ve been through”
“She probably never has the negative talk I have”
“She probably has never experienced that”
“She just picks herself up and keeps going”

           That is not the case...

And so, I want you to know where I was in 2002. So that when we look at other people and we say “oh well, how did she do it?” we do it from a place of compassion.

My intention is that if this resonates with you, if you have found yourself in this space, then I would like to inspire you that it's not the end, IT IS NOT THE END…

This was written about eight months after my son passed away. Just about the time that everybody thought I should be over it...

“Well, it's 2 AM, surprise, I can't sleep. Seems to becoming a pattern in the last few days. I lay down and think of all I should be doing, and everything I should be. Then it hits me, I am none of what I should be. I should be holding you, I should be up feeding you and rocking you. I am supposed to go to a reunion at St. Mary's this weekend. Whenever I think of it, I remember walking through campus wondering what my life would be like and how much further I would be in five years.

Ha! Here I am, I speak French worse than I did then in college. I am utterly embarrassed by how little far I've come. I've lost my first born child and miscarried my second. I feel like a failure. What I am going to tell these people when they talk about their success. Do I lie? Do I pretend you are still here? I am so tired of getting the shitty unemotional response of “I am sorry”, like I broke my arm. People just don't get the gravity of the situation.

Mason, why did this happen? What am I supposed to do with all of this? I can't sleep. My days are filled with menial tasks. None of which mean much of anything. I used to think I had so much potential. Now, I can barely get through the day. I have no direction, no hope. My life seems to be passing me by, while I continue my zombie-like existence. People get me so angry. I don't even know how to react anymore. The lady at the salon and another one at the bank asked if I had any kids. I told them briefly about you, and they didn't even seem shocked. They said sorry, and continued talking about whatever, nails, loans … Are you kidding me?

How can I protect everyone I love?

How do I ensure that my family doesn't undergo any more pain? I feel so responsible, so desperate, so scared. My moods seem almost bipolar. I start the day trying so hard to be happy and positive, only to end each evening in a dark hole of depression.

Where am I supposed to be?

What am I supposed to be doing?

I thought I was going to be your mom. I thought I was going to take care of you forever. I feel gypped. No one knows I am a mom, no stroller, no car seat, no crib or bottles, no toys, no stuffed animals and no baby. Only a C-section scar and a hole in my heart. Both of which remain hidden to the untrained eye.”

I shared that with you because this was the space I was in before I found my FemmeTypes™. Those questions I was asking,

“Who am I?”

“What am I supposed to be doing?”

“Where am I supposed to be”

All of those questions lead me into that gorgeous conversation from my Indie about how I was going to ALLOW this to affect the rest of my life.

This was the beginning of the FemmeTypes™.

So I bring you into this really emotional and tender space for me because I want every woman to know that:

It is normal to have self-doubt.
It is normal to go through dark times
There is light on the other side

I am encouraging you to feel into the power that's available to you. If you haven't taken the FemmeType™ quiz, that's available, so you can tap into your unlimited potential.

I am inviting you to experience an extreme amount of self-compassion. If I can be in this space and go through this, and have the life, the business, the family that I do now, I know that you can have it too…

I am sending you so much love, so much healing for whatever it is that you've gone through in your life, and so much inspiration that we can, WE CAN… And you know what we are meant to.

So much love to you.

tara-sign

 

PS. I would love for you to share, in whatever way that touched you.