This is not the happiest of subjects, but is something we all have universally in common…
I am not new to grief.
At 26, I lost my first born son when he was 6 days old. We continued to try to have children after that. I experienced a miscarriage.
I did end up with two healthy boys. For which, I am incredibly, incredibly grateful!
Recently, we did an IVF cycle. It was successful. We got pregnant, we saw the heartbeat, everything was looking phenomenal.
And recently… we lost that baby at a little over 8 weeks for no known reason.
My point is, that I truly understand what grief feels like. What loss feels like.
Coming from a spiritual perspective at this stage in my life, I get that we have a higher calling, there is a highest good, and God’s will.
Having that understanding prior to going through grief and loss is helpful, but it doesn’t take the pain away.
Can you skip grief?
In my most recent experience with grief, I thought that having that inner knowing that I would eventually be O.K. would allow the pain to “skip me”, and I could jump ahead on the “Grief Line”...
That is NOT what happens. You cannot skip it.
Grief and loss gives you the opportunity to own your human experience.
In order to integrate the grief, you have to go into it.
I know you don’t want to. It’s certainly not easy to feel that pain.
Grief “cracks me open”.
You are shaken to your core inside of grief.
It’s really important for us to take the opportunity to feel that.
Go into the grief…
Go into the pain…
Go into the hurt…
How do we do that?
There is NOT only 1 way to deal with grief--I am sharing my personal experience.
Grief is MESSY
I am not saying there is only one way, or that my way is the “right way”. I do not believe in a clean cut grief process. I know there have been a lot of studies and books on “The 5 Stages of Grief”, well, I don’t buy it.
I believe we do go through stages and processes, but I DO NOT think it’s all clean cut. Grief is very messy. It’s very up and down, in and out. Please trust your own process. It is important to note that I am only sharing my experience.
Write it out
In order to integrate the grief, I went to a space of journaling consistently. I wrote a lot of poetry, a lot of agony.... dark spaces...whatever was coming out of me and allowing myself to feel what is real.
I actually wrote out the entire story. I think that is important. However you lost a loved one, or whatever the grief is about… Write it out.
It may sound tragic, but whatever you went through was tragic. The tragedy may not last forever, but it is intense.
Forget Me Not...
One of the biggest things that I wanted after I lost my children was for them to be remembered. I didn’t want them to be forgotten. The more we tell our stories, the more we cement that reality. It can be grounding.
The necessity of healing...
Give yourself permission to react however you need to react. Get away from the “I should”. If you want to lay in bed and eat Jelly Bellies, allow yourself to do that.
Recognize that if you are going into a dark place and you may need some assistance, to seek that out.
What I am talking about is the necessity of healing.
Community and Commonality
If and when you get to a space of wanting to talk to somebody, people who have been through a similar experience can be very helpful.
Sometimes loved ones who have not been through a similar experience may try to say the right thing with the best intentions, but actually end up saying the wrong thing, or something that triggers us. Getting yourself in a space where others have been through a similar experience and you can speak about it and heal, can be very profound.
Re-Evaluation & Change
This may bring up some controversy…
But, this may be a time to RE-EVALUATE EVERYTHING…
Maybe it’s time to do something crazy….Of course I want you to be careful, I want you to be safe. I say this because this was my experience inside. This is a divine time to look at your life and say,
Take this opportunity to reevaluate your life and make a change that is going to serve you and your life going forward…. Because, you’re still here…
I would love to hear from you… leave a comment to share your own experience.