Chapter 1 – Crumbs
It was late one night when she couldn’t sleep, that she did IT!
She didn’t want to or even mean to–even before she did it; she knew she would regret it.
She got out of her bed, too scared to even turn on the light. As if the dark would somehow keep her secret…even from herself. It wouldn’t count if she did it in the dark.
She crept out of her room, feeling her thighs through her pajamas. She noticed a slight twinge of guilt for the 2 brownies she had eaten after dinner-ok three. With more than a bit of disgust, she continued her mission.
Up the stairs, holding on tightly to the rail, she made her move.
I feel like an imposter in my own home, she said under her breath.
Finally, she was at the top of the stairs. She continued to make her way using her hands to guide her to the kitchen counter.
Her eyes had somewhat adjusted to the dark.
She could see IT!
IT held so much energy, she felt almost scared as she moved through it.
I know I shouldn’t do this, she thought.
What good is going to come out of this?
At this point, she found herself moving towards it, like an addict. She stopped thinking and quickly began going through the motions.
It was too late now, as far as she was concerned. She was in too deep.
There she was, in front of IT.
She carefully opened her laptop.
The unnatural light stung her eyes. A slight tear formed.
She wasn’t sure if it was her eyes adjusting or an intuition of what was to follow….either way she continued.
She typed it in…
She held her breath…
A list of 25 women showed up.
Arggh figures, she is probably married, she probably has kids, she is probably HAPPY!
She could feel her voice raising and her stomach getting tight.
Her lower back responded with an immediate knot.
Clenching her teeth, she began to look through the list to see if there was any chance she could recognize her…
Oh, my gosh…there she is!
Her hands moved the cursor and even though she knew she shouldn’t…she did!
There she was just as she remembered her…only BETTER.
She immediately looked to see how many followers she had…82,345!
“WHAT?” she screamed out loud.
‘She must, must be a prostitute!’
Her hand was no longer under her control, with a rapid pace she quickly searched for all her photos, all her memories,’ all her posts…
ALL OF HER LIFE…
Her life looked amazing.
There she was in a photo with her husband, looking so beautiful.
There was another one with her kids…
Woah–wait she has kids? Let me see her body; I hope she looks fat!
Much to her dismay, Molly was not even close to fat.
There she was in a bikini holding a baby in her arms!
This is ridiculous; I hate this! What does she do? I bet her husband is rich!
She continued to explore, by now it had been over 2 hours. She found out that Molly had published 2 books and was currently on the NY Times Best Seller list.
She felt sick.
Feeling addicted to pain and self-punishment, she found herself clicking the link to Amazon to check out Molly’s reviews.
Oh, I hope somebody hates it! I hope it sucks!
Shit… she mumbled to herself.
She is perfect, her life is perfect, and mine is NOTHING! Her mind screamed at her in deep despair.
Nothing, she thought to herself as she slowly closed the computer and ventured back to bed, automatically grabbing the last two brownies left on the plate.
Numbingly eating her way down the stairs, she made it back to bed…crumbs and all.
She looked down and saw the dark brown morsels on her pajamas.
Figures, she thought…
Crumbs, that is what I always get…crumbs.
Laying there in the dark she felt sick, angry and scared.
Why don’t I have that life? Why don’t I have a man to love? Why am I alone…? Her mind finally settled and she began to drift off to sleep, but not before in quiet desperation, she sighed a simple prayer.
“God please help me, guide me, show me what is mine…”
The subtle morning light made its way into her room and for a moment she didn’t remember. At least not until she caught the sight of dark crumbs scattered on her sheets.
“UGHHHHH, that’s right Molly!” she cried out loud.
A heaviness arrived in her chest and she once again felt not good enough.
Why bother, she thought inside.
What’s the point? I am never going to get there anyway; it is far too late. I am too old, I should just be happy with what I have. My life isn’t that bad.
Just then her phone rang, she looked at the clock.
It was 8:32 am.
“Hmmm, a little early for a phone call, no?” she whispered to herself.
She had no idea who could be calling; it was Saturday morning and she wasn’t expected at work.
She considered just letting it go to voicemail, but something inside of her felt she should answer it.
Getting up from the bed and watching the final brown crumbs fall to the ground, she made her way to the phone.